According to research, 41% of all first marriages end in divorce. Even worse, 60% of second marriages end in divorce and 73% of all third marriages end in divorce. Just the fact that we're even talking about second and third marriages is an issue. All of these doesn't include the multiple relationships that don't even get to the point of marriage. In the US, close to 50% of marriages end in divorce or separation. The fundamental reason for such a high rate of failure is the lies we've been fed about what love is over the years. The way love is shown in movies, tv shows, music, social media and much more tend to give us a skewed perspective of what love really is.
With all of these diverse ideas about love, it can be difficult to know what the truth about it is. Only the creator knows the true purpose of the creation. In this post, I’ll share with you 10 common lies you’ve been told about love. You’ll also get to learn about what love really is from our creator; God himself. You may be shocked by some of these points but I encourage you to have an open mind as you read. It's time to debunk these lies and save your relationships.
1. Sex is a proof of Love
Mainstream media has shown us this one in all it’s forms. In movies, or tv shows, two people meet for the first time and in the next scene you see them already getting so physical and breaking plates and destroying furniture in the name of making love. That’s NOT what love is. Physical intimacy does not come before love. “If you love me then you will sleep with me” is just plain wrong. Ladies are often pressured into this. Don’t give in to any of that. Get this straight, sex is meant for married couples. It is the consummation or celebration of a successful courtship. There is a difference between what is and what should be. It’s not because you see the media showing sex before marriage that it is true.
2. You need to have a lot in common with your partner
It’s nice to find someone similar to you to be a partner. As the Bible says, two cannot work together unless they agree. However, agreeing with someone doesn’t mean having everything in common. It simply means that you two should have similar visions about life. The word division comes from “di” meaning two and "vision"; so two different visions. If you and your partner have different visions, you can’t work together. You can have a similar vision, mindset, values and beliefs with someone but you both have different hobbies, interests, passions etc. You can still complement each other.
Don’t look for someone who has everything in common with you. It’s unrealistic to find such a person and even if you do, your relationship could be easily boring. It’s those differences that add spice to the relationship. Compatibility isn’t what makes a successful marriage. Marriage needs work. A study conducted by Ted Hudsen of the University of Texas on married couples showed that couples who were happily married didn’t consider compatibility as the reason for it; it was because of the work they put into it. On the other hand, unhappy couples gave incompatibility with their partners as a reason for their unhappy marriage. A successful relationship requires two people willing to put the efforts to make it work.
3. Love is Blind
This one is so funny. The first I heard of this was from a Nigerian movie back when I was still in secondary school. The premise behind this statement is that you can have feelings for anyone and that you can’t control who you fall in love with. That really doesn’t make any sense. This also is based on just romantic feelings, being physically attracted to someone. As we’ve seen in the previous point, you choose to love someone. Love is not being physically attracted to someone. Love is not having butterflies in your stomach. Those butterflies will vanish in no time.
4. Love is a Feeling
Love is NOT a feeling period. Love is much more complex than just an emotion. The reason why most people think that love is a feeling is because of romantic love also called Eros love. However, that is just one of the types of love. You can have strong feelings for your partner, but that is not what will keep you two together. What happens when those feelings disappear? Will you leave the person? You can have feelings for anyone but can you be with just anyone?? You must make a conscious decision to love someone and be committed to that person. That decision to love unconditionally is what love really is.
Make no mistake, I’m not saying feelings don’t matter, they certainly do. We are emotional beings; God gave us these emotions for a reason. However, the choice to love unconditionally carries more weight. As the Bible says: He that does not love does not know God, for God is love. God is love; love is God. Are you saying that God is just a feeling?? An emotion?? There are 4 types of love which are: Eros, the romantic love, Storge, love between friends, Filio, love between family members, and Agape which is the unconditional love of God. In all of these types of love, feelings are involved. There are times when you’re mad at your brother, or your friend or your spouse. Yet it isn’t because of those feelings that you love them. You chose to love them. Agape is essentially what keeps the relationships going.
5. Test driving sexual compatibility before marriage
Just like people test drive cars before purchasing; there’s this new one about testing sexual compatibility before marriage. The argument is that the sex may not be good during marriage; that two people can be sexually compatible or not. This is another lie, another seemingly smart angle used by people to justify having sex before marriage. As we’ve seen in the previous point, it’s plain wrong.
There’s no such a thing as sexual compatibility. In it’s original design, two people were meant to be married as virgins and discover the pleasure of sex together. The problem is when people start having all these sexual experiences before marriage and develop certain tastes and expectations. Sadly when they do get married, those expectations aren’t met in their partners because of the taste they have developed. The truth is that you were meant to have sex with just one person in this world; your spouse. That is if you choose to get married one day.
6. Love is easy
This one just screams “lie!” all over. Love is anything but easy; that’s if you know what love is. It’s not easy to keep loving someone who annoys you. It’s not easy to keep doing what you ought to do when you’re mad at your partner. It’s very tempting to give up when adversity sets in. People think that love is easy because of the initial excitement of meeting someone new.
Sadly that wears away very soon. Even newly weds are so fond of each other. You see them together all the time; celebrating one month anniversaries; one week anniversaries and all what not. All of that is good, but what happens when that euphoria dies down? Reality sets in. You start experiencing the pain points, disagreements, fights, annoying habits of your partner. It takes serious commitment, patience, understanding, discipline and you name it to keep the flame burning. In a nutshell, it takes God to keep the flame burning. If you think that’s easy, think again!
7. The Best way to get over someone is to meet someone else
Nothing could be further from the truth. If you had a serious relationship before which unfortunately ended, it’s not feasible for you to be in another healthy relationship barely a few months. That’s if you truly loved this person. Believe me, if you’re in one, then you’re deceiving yourself. It’s just a way for you to postpone the hurt; a rebound relationship as is commonly said. Having such a relationship only causes you more pain in the end. We try to take shortcuts through the healing process by finding someone else. It’s true that there’s no set time or formula to be completely healed and ready but it does depend on how serious the previous relationship was.
The truth is that no matter how short the time was when you were involved with someone, you need some time for yourself first. You need time to heal. Else what you’ll be doing is merely projecting the previous relationship on the current one; forcing this new person to be like your ex. That’s a recipe for failure and frustration; a vicious cycle you don’t want to get into. Take time to heal properly.
8. You should give as much love as you receive
This lie says that love must be reciprocated. Well, if you truly love someone, you don’t do things for the person expecting the same in return. The truth is that it’s difficult for us to truly love by our own power; human nature is naturally selfish. The flesh is weak. With God however, all things are possible. We can love unconditionally by the power of the Holy Spirit. This thinking about love being reciprocated is still narrowed down to Eros love. We show love in different ways and expecting someone to love you exactly the way you love them is unrealistic. Love grows with time. As you show love to someone, it encourages that person to love as well. The Bible says love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. The one thing that we owe everyone is love. God loved us while we were his enemies and Christ died for us. As imitators of Christ, we ought to do the same.
9. You’re either in love or out of love
Love is not black or white; it’s not binary with two states, in love or out of love. Love is both objective and subjective. Objective in that we’re supposed to love unconditionally and subjective in that people have different perspectives about love and how to love. People love at different degrees and intensities. You may care for someone but you don’t consider yourself in love with the person. In an article by philosopher Berit Brogaard, he shows that people can love each other romantically at different degrees. You can love one woman so much and another a little less. You could also be in that middle phase where you neither love or nor don't love someone. This explains why someone will say “I love you” only to leave you soon afterward.
10. Falling out of love
This lie is related to the previous. You hear people say: “I’m no longer in love with you”, or “I love him but I’m not in love with him” ; that doesn’t even make sense. This supposes that we don’t have control over falling out of love. This was proven false by 3 researchers: Brian Boutwell, J.C. Barnes, and Kevin Beaver. In their article in Psychology Today, they write about the “mate rejection module” which they came up with. It talks about the choice to reject a partner on purpose. Writer and Rapper, Margaret Wander, also talked about her journey to fall out of love in a 2018 TED talk. She decided to get over her longtime boyfriend. Her brain was studied by some neuroscientists who discovered the area in her brain that had feelings for him. She then went through neurofeedback therapy to retrain her brain. After which her brain was no longer stimulated by seeing pictures of her ex. So it is possible to control falling out of love.
That’s our cue! 10 common lies you’ve been told about love. What do you think about them? Are there other lies we’ve left out? Please share your thoughts in the comments. We know you want to. As usual the conversation continues on social media. Don’t forget to Like, Share and SUBSCRIBE if you’re new here. We’ve selected a few other articles for you to enjoy next. Thank you for reading and until next time, BESTech remains your BEST bet.